How do you think my short story is? I think it needs some work but I dont know what. Ideas?

It looks good, but as you said it needs work. I would try do to more showing rather than telling. A lot of your story is telling and this bores me as a reader since I'm not using my imagination. I would try posting it on a href="http://www.chapteread.com" rel="nofollow"http://www.chapteread.com/a to get more feedback and advice. The people there are really great about offering feedback. They can also help you by giving you a line by line critique.